Hi, This is Johnny. I'm usually not a thinker, but when I'm allotted a lot (haha) of time, there's nothing much to do, but to think. And I guess thoughts of anything just come in mind and this page is just to share thoughts I have running through my mind every day and night. I'll add every now and then and just check by every once in a while. But most of the things I'll be talking about in this page are from the bones, from the deepest places in my heart, my body, whatever. It's the secrets I wouldn't ever dare tell anyone face to face, because I'd only cry, and mumble words that no one can understand, not even myself.
Basketball (an essence of life)- This sport helped me out when I was little. When I'm alone, I'm a really depressing kid. And sometimes I thought of doing things that are considered regretful today, so that's when basketball came in. It made me feel like I had something to live for. It's something I'm good at, something no one can take away from me. Or so I thought. Once I reached high school, basketball didn't seem like my forever longing companion anymore. I faced two years of complete bitterness because of my lack of ability I showed to the coaches. Well by the time I realize I am no longer the best at anything, I realize life isn't about being the best, and I never was the best at anything, but it was ignorance of better players that kept me above the clouds, yet now I'm aware, though I wish I wasn't. During Freshman year, I rejected failure. I told myself if I was to play everyday, I would soon succeed. Well as days passed, the season passed, and my goal of playing was incomplete. So sophomore year came around and I decided to obtain higher expectations, I will not only play, but I'll start. The previous summer, I have spent countless hours shooting, playing, dribbling, improving. So as the time came for try outs, I ended up standing there most of the time. The coach did not even bother watching me. This put me down once again, and days pass until the first scrimmage. I tried to learn from my mistakes, and I decided to relax and force myself to sleep till I get to Lincoln, the place we'll be scrimmaging at. Well when we're almost there, I woke up, listening to coach talk about how he would always be so excited to play. And so it seems as if he's pointing out the message that I made a dumb choice to sleep before a game. Well as the scrimmage went on, I sat and sat, still not having to show anything to this coach. And finally, time had come. Once I was in, I executed, I assisted, I even scored, only benefiting the team. Coach didn't bother looking. Another scrimmage came around and the exact same thing happened..... Then one night, after practice, Coach called a couple people up. Wiping sweat off my face while hearing this, I suddenly jumped as he called my name. As I walked outside waiting for Coach to open up the room for the called people to talk, I worried. A friend of mine who was also called told me I shouldn't worry, I didn't do anything wrong and I'm the hardest worker and all this other stuff. I couldn't help it, and I felt like crying already, but I managed to keep it in. We waited a couple minutes and coach walked in. He told us that he wasn't going to cut us, but he'll let us leave if we want to. One by one, people left, and I stayed, with my head on the desk, my arms covering my face, and tears flooded my eyes, dripping heavily, knowing I failed once again. Coach told me that I was one of the hardest workers, but life's not fair. I sat there, senseless, brainless, only feeling like he ripped another part of my soul. So I asked him, what I could do. He gave me bullshit reasons but I tried to understand him and keep my cool. That night, I didn't call Mom to pick me up till late 11 o clock, because I wanted to sit in the near winter night to think about what just happened. Again, I told myself, "no" I won't accept it. I'll prove to the coach he was wrong and I am far better than as he presumes. But then that year, it is worse. I wasn't given a jersey. I felt so lifeless, I couldn't even tell my friends or family the whole-hearted truth about what happened. And days passed, light seemed so far away. Then one day, he asked me "Johnny, do you want a jersey for the last home game?" I didn't say anything, because I'm in another emotional turmoil. He told me about how he can't guarantee any playing time for the season, but "at least you'll get a jersey"... I only nodded, accepting this terrible defeat. So I got to dress the last three games, and I got to play on the second to last game against the worst team in the league. I only got to play 30 seconds, but I played as if those thirty seconds were my last 30 seconds to ever play. At first, I still felt down, but I played anyway. I ended up getting 3 points, the most points anyone in the team ever gotten in 30 seconds. But after it was over, I had this unfulfilled desire that grew enormously, hungering for the competition, the game, that desire to score over people who considered themselves elite. The season came in to an end, and our last game turned out to be a lost of a championship for us. At the end of the game, when everyone was in the locker, everyone was crying. Most cried because of the lost, But I cried for a much greater loss. After everyone got over it in ten minutes, I didn't even take off my jersey. People patted my back and I sat there thinking, as tears shed again, "what can I do now?" I wrote in my journal a promise that I'll amount to something for the next two years, and I'll forget the feeling of failure. The season was one of the most depressing nadir points of my life. The last get-together was for the banquet, and I couldn't show my face to Davis Basketball. Instead of going to the banquet, I went out to shoot free throws, fooling myself that the shots were game winning championship thoughts. The next day during track practice, someone came by and asked me why I didn't go to the banquet. I just told him I was busy that night, and he told me about how the coaches spent so much time talking about me, how I got the coaches award and how I did the most things in thirty seconds. I smiled for a split second, but I know it's all bull crap anyway. A couple weeks pass and I pass by coaches room, he saw me and ran out and called me in his class. He told me that I missed an award and he needed to give it to me. And as he fiddled around, he mentioned about the other award, saying that I was on the team and completed the season. Well It turned out that he didn't have one of those papers, so all that time I fooled myself that I was part of the team, it was all a joke. So now it's like every night, I would think about that season, How much I've ended up experiencing. Well after track season, I asked myself what I should do. "Should I quit basketball and work on track or shall I go at it again and prove Davis Basketball I'm something special" Well I told myself I quit. I went for nearly a month without basketball. But one day, July 3rd, after I woke up from a evening nap, I did "free associated" actions, and I ended up on the court once again, shooting maddeningly as if nothing else in life matters. Memories flood my mind as I shot. Those about driving, dreaming of dunking, flipping nets before I go home, staying up all night shooting around by myself like in old days, endless playing, the one thing that gave me this essence of life. But my choice wasn't absolutely changed until that night, when the subject came into conversation with a very good friend of mine. He told me about failures and pessimism, optimism, and how the biggest obstruction is the person who dared not try. I told him how it only kills me to see shitty seasons pass my life like that. "well prove him wrong, because I know you can..." I have never cried so much for anything in life like this before. I let go of basketball for a month and it came back, as if it was a message, telling me I can't give up, that I have something special and someone will catch it soon. It was like I was promised sunlight behind all these gray clouds. The pouring of rain will soon end and light will peer in, giving me back my essence of life... And That's all I can do, prove to them, let their insults be my strengths. Prove it to the world I'm not ordinary...even though I question myself that many times...